The Narcissism Epidemic (Think About This #68)
Starting in the sixties, teachers and parents began to believe that building self-esteem in children was the best way to develop confident happy adults. But psychology researcher Jean Twenge says that the truth is not so simple. In her latest book, The Narcissism Epidemic, she unveils some startling evidence that this cultural trend towards individual empowerment may have created a generation of young people too self-infatuated for their own good:
There was a survey done last year asking college students about their academic experiences. To the question “If you explain to your professor that you’re trying hard, should he or she increase your grade?” two-thirds of college students said yes. I’m a professor and I study narcissism, and I was still shocked by that number! The “everybody gets a trophy” mentality basically says that you’re going to get rewarded just for showing up. First of all, that’s not how the real world works. Second, that won’t build true self-esteem; instead, it builds this empty sense of “I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.”
Read an in-depth interview with Jean Twenge in the new issue of EnlightenNext magazine available next week at a newsstand near you! You can also download a recording of the audio at our download store. Click the link below to listen to a sample clip.
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Filed Under: Best of the Blog • Culture • EnlightenNext Editors’ Blog • Pop Culture • Postmodernism • Think About This
Real critiques of this phenomenon are few and far between, it seems. I loved KW’s scathing social criticism, Boomeritis, for parodying our narcissism so blatantly. Some of my friends, nice, well-educated Buddhist narcissists just hated that book. Couldn’t get the joke! I look forward to reading this one, and maybe giving it as a Christmas present or two.
This looks like a fascinating and well-thought out work. I will certainly look for the book and buy it if I can. As a college teacher I can certainly attest to the sense of entitlement of the twenty-something generation. It is quite a cause for concern as many of these “self-esteem” taught people have little or no knowledge of how to deal with academic or career disappointments.
If they had good self-esteem, it seems as if they’d be very good at overcoming “disappointments,” by turning them into opportunities for growth, because they wouldn’t feel defeated.
No Katrina. The self-esteem movement has not taught people to be self-confident, content with themselves and loving towards themselves. The point I think the book (and myself) are making is that this movement has taught people to have a SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT. This is not the same thing as self-confidence or authentic self-esteem. It is a belief that “I’m great and so I deserve to have anything and everything I want simply because I’m me”. That is not self-esteem.
If I had put “true self-esteem” in place of “good self-esteem,” I would have been more clear about what I meant, because I agree that they’re are very different.
Hello Sam and Katrina,
Thanks for your posts. I conducted the interview with Dr. Twenge and you’re both right that she makes a very important distinction between an the two definitions of self-esteem. One is an overconfidence that comes from being praised regardless of what you’ve done. The other is a kind of true confidence that comes from having had to struggle for something and overcome obstacles. They’re very different things, but I think many of us confuse them. That’s why I think her work is so important. She’s helping to set people up for success in the truest sense of the word.
Don’t reverse the order: without healthy self-confidence in one’s value as a human being, the outcome of any task is affected negatively by a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. Let’s not forget the result of lack of confidence is a child with his/her head bowed, hiding in the corner.
As a new elementary school teacher, I can the this problem begins at a young age. I was amazed when I discovered that a very popular way that many teachers use to get kids to simply follow directions in school, is to reward them for doing so. As if they are superior for doing nothing much at all.
it is all total ego-land. right and wrong etc. etc. …. hello enlightened ones. ask an enlightened man or woman what the word enlightened means and you will hear: there is no such thing. in an absolute, what can be enlightened?
jd
Well, you asked for what i think about people who believe they should get an award for just ‘showing up’ and are driven by a sense of baseless entitlement….hmmm, that’s pretty easy. I think they’re assholes who will drive our future into ‘idiocracy’ of the most self righteous kind!
Such nonsense passing for an observaton and a point-of-view. Since when haven’t adolescents been narcissistic? The teaching job is to work with students as we find them take them and take them on an intellectual journey where they shed their pre-occupation with their feelings. Books about narcissism are just what they are writing about.
Hello Cholly,
Thanks for your comment. I conducted the interview with Jean Twenge, from which the above blurb is taken. In the full interview (which you can read in the new issue of the magazine) she addressed your point that all adolescents are more narcissistic than their parents, etc. Most of her research is based upon surveys of college students over time. What she’s found is that people in the same age range have become more narcissistic over the past few decades.
Would this coincide with the overpowering of the ego?
In one of WiE older issues, there are a series of articles concerning the ego. One of my favorites being the following link:
http://www.enlightennext.org/magazine/j17/dionysios.asp
I would argue that many spiritual practices do the same. It’s common to hear that everyone has a special reason for being here, everyone has a calling, everyone fits into the grand design because something greater than us planned it to be that way. I have struggled enormously with this because I feel it’s possible, even probable, that this isn’t the case. I’m surprised, whenever I suggest this to others, that the response is intense resistance. I concede that perhaps I’m wrong, but I think spirituality can take some of the blame for the growing epidemic of narcissism, and I don’t just see it in children of the ’60′s and later. All ages seems to be affected.
It isn’t an either-or case. It’s not “either everyone has a special reason for being here” or “it’s not probable that everyone has a special reasone for being here.” The beauty of life is that each individual gets to decide what they personally want to experience, and some will choose to “live their calling,” which is simply something that comes so naturally to them and they’re able to see the value in that, and some will take the things that come naturally to them for granted, unaware of them, going through life doing whatever they decide upon, also.
Why are we discussing the possible shortcomings of anyone or any generation (boomers)… when these events are unfolding as only they can. Nobody is conspiring against ‘awakening’ or evolution. This is the way. This. If someone doesn’t like ‘this’, then they’re just reacting from their mind-made reality. We’re on the way… why reject the course it’s taking. As a species, we have no other choice. We’re vulnerable, semi-conscious, full-of-folly human beings. Look how we’re doing! We’re on the way. Look. That’s it.
Always trying to justify why things are done. Perhaps the purpose is just “to be” and we’re all trying to make more of all things than is good or necessary. Good thoughts!
I would agree. I would also argue that if they were put to an active ‘survival-based’ practice, like aikido before it was watered down into a ‘feel good community’ they would discover they have no more right to this than those whom they deny the same distinction.
Hi, James, re: “should we ignore the workaday world, even if Hitler encroaches?”
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I refer to Ken Wilber’s 4 Quadrants of Holistic Consciousness:
1) The personal, including maintaining physical and mental health
2) The interpersonal, fostering your family, important relationships and your means of livelihood
3) The objective–Science, the world of ideas
4) Space, as far as it’s known to extend and is extending
If another Hitler arises, it would certainly be a mistake to ignore and not respond, but as we see there are numerous examples of leaders and autocratic rulers who disregard human rights who continue to oppress and murder their own people whom they pretend to serve but seem only interested in self-aggrandizement of themselves and those who support themselves including their often large families, who depend on the wealth they exploit. We continuously repeat disingenuously, “Never Again!”
What’s heartening is bringing to justice violators of human rights to stand at the Court of International Justice. We also note the power of international outrage intantaneously broadcast on the Internet internationally. Until there’s a recognition of the equality of human rights extended not only to the privileged but to all humankind, we will continue to have the uprisings and struggles, even war for those rights. We also must come to terms with the equal rights to the growing competition for the dwindling natural resources for growing populations.
Humankind has much to learn if we are to effect Peace on Earth. Not to do so condemns us to continued violence, warfare and unbridled competition. Our personal and collective behavior should contribute to more enlightened conduct in human affairs.
I have not read the book, but in response to this blurb: While I can easily see the narcissism epidemic all around us, I also must point out that people really ARE fantastic just because they are here. Being considered fantastic does not equate with an entitlement to trophies or praise for work NOT actually done (though many in that study probably feel it does). There is a fine line we have to explore and master in ourselves that reminds us of our divinity (and thusly, our fantastic-ness) and also reminds us of the universal requirement to actually WALK on the journey of life–that part requires work beyond simply existing, even IF you are a part of the divine (which we all are). It is a difficult boundary to navigate within myself. Helping my 5 year old do the same is proving even more of a challenge.
Thank you, Taj. I heartily concur!!! :)
-J&
Your intentions are beautiful, in my opinion. It’s a fine line between indoctrination and self-actualization, and I encourage your journey! :-)
First of all, that’s not how the real world works. Second, that won’t build true self-esteem; instead, it builds this empty sense of “I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.”
Doh! Of course then use your common sense.! Good Post Taj.
Who wants a dumb ‘spiritually enlightened’ book to promote the MAD Worlds thinking….?
Hello Taj,
Thanks for your response. I think you’re right in suggesting that the situation isn’t quite as simple as it sounds and there is a lot of subtlety involved. While I think it’s important to acknowledge many of the shortcomings of “the age of the individual,” it is also quite important to see the whole trajectory towards more autonomy and freedom as an ultimately positive step in the history of humanity (and beyond). From that fundamentally positive perspective, we can acknowledge some of the setbacks in order to address them and move forward. I hope you’ll read the full article, which gives a lot more context for the simple point that was drawn out in the blurb.
The classic The Culture of Narcissism by Christopher Lasch warned us back in 1979 of this danger of egos running around without a sense of mutual responsibility, without heart or soul. All the ills we are facing and creating now are based on our Western sense of entitlement. Labeling us all as “consumers” instead of as “community members,” helps perpetuate this sense of take what you want, no matter the cost to others and to our planet. Perhaps nothing is worse than inflated narcissistic spiritual teachers, who will not bare criticism or admit wrong-doing, and who project their own shadow on students, while feeding a sense of pride in the students for belonging to their special spiritually advanced group. Some of them do help and uplift a great many people, but can and do deeply wound students as well. My heart sinks when I see some of these people interviewed and quoted in your magazine as people spiritually elevated… One can spiritually refine the ego without truly transforming the heart, without true sacrifice, defined well b JG Bennett as “giving up who you think you are and what you think you need for what you may become.”…. But surely should also include a sense (as Bennett always did) of service to God/dess and to our small planet…
we were homeschooled, my mother was sulky and my dad was distant
it’s taken me years to get to this point, where i can say..
yes, i am awesome.. just for being
there’s everything right about feeling good inside
=)
Lol! That’s wonderful.
well said.
like the saying goes, “with parents like that, if i made it this far i must be OK”…
this entitlement thing works for suburban kids no different than ghetto or slum youth in the whole growing world, why would it not?
we do 3rdW development rhetoric ( & even some handouts) exactly cz we believe every human is entitled, even if they arent/werent privileged enough to be able to contribute noticeably
boomers’ irritability at next-gen “entitlement culture” (‘they know nothing’) discounts the truly crap soullessness of Consumeramaland, collapse of family, McJobs, etc.
As with everything, I believe balance should be the goal. Every person has strengths and weaknesses and educators should endeavour to enhance the individuals’ strengths without giving a “free ride” just for the sake of self-esteem. Deep down people know when they don’t really deserve credit anyway and a false sense of self-esteem is worse than none in many cases. (At least for those who have to put up with them.) Better times economically have also contributed to feelings of entitlement I think, since most people in our society grow up with a pretty privileged childhood, at least compared to most of the world. It is said that truth is a double edged sword and it’s probably true that the pendulum has swung too far in one direction, but on the other hand, who knows what amazing advancements may come of generations of people who feel they should be able accomplish anything they want. On a spiritual level, it may be what is needed to overcome centuries of humanities’ belief that they are not “good enough” to “walk with the Gods”.
What an optimistic, harmonious way of looking at it – as if we’ve swung the other direction, but are falling back to balanced-middle. Thank you for sharing!
The “everyone gets a trophy” idea was really meant for preschool and grade school children who were in sports for socialization and recreation. The idea of allowing the child to develop before we told them they have no talent seems wise. Also, to encourage the idea of finding your true talent before you decide to jump off a building. The narcissism we see in adolescents and adults is more a product of media, advertisers and corporate greed than the idea of trying to encourage self-esteem in a child. I mean really, should we go back to condoning beating them??
It would seem that the “empty sense of I’m fantastic…just because I’m here doesn’t mesh well with our society. I wonder what I would have been like if I had been raised to believe that I was fantastic just because I lived and breathed.
I don’t think it is as straightforward as,”that you’re going to get rewarded for just showing up.” Life is more complicated than that. Life is not as black and white as that. I say this because in some ways we are rewarded for just showing up. If you were born into a white, male, middle-class, American family in the 50′s like I was; you are rewarded for just showing up. Everything I’ve read about Jesus and the Buddha would indicate we are special for just being and not for what we accomplish. I’m not saying that we don’t have a problem with ego and self. But if we only look at what we accomplish and think that this will give us self-esteem I think we will be disappointed. Like I said, ego does get in the way and causes us problems like laziness and illusion. At the same time, we’re all on the road to perfection. Some of us just don’t know it yet, that’s all.
I think the problem lies in our requiring only good grades to ‘succeed’. Society requires that everyone earn top grades to get the ‘best’ jobs, into the ‘best’ schools. Competition is fierce and the slightly above average kids who are competing against the truly brilliant ones have a really hard time with this. Us adults send the message that only the ones with the best grades are ‘good enough’ for anything. That is certainly not true since some of the most successful people did not do well in school or formal education. The kids who sucked up to the teachers have been getting better grades since time began …. is THAT fair?
In an era of individuals attempting to find balance, you’d think that narcissism would fade, at least a little.
When I hear that 2/3 of students think they should be getting better grades, I stand and applaud!! If this is to mean that they DO think better of themselves then I feel there might be hope for this world.
Firstly, when I think of what the education system doesn’t do for our kids I am all in favour of homeschooling or at least private tutoring.
I am a Clinical Hypnotherapist and 90% of my clients are dealing with issues that stem from lack of self esteem. Most of the traumas they suffer from came from childhood and a great percentage from school.
What we fail to remember is that we are born free on this earth. We are so buried in our ideas of ‘systems’ and so-called ‘normal’ (according to our systems) that we have forgotten totally about the Spirit of the individual and the right of each person to be who they are.
Our children deserve to shine. To label a healthy sense of Self as Narcissism is plain and simply bizarre and scarey! Maybe now there will be a pill ‘designed’ to take care of too much self worth. Oh My God!!
LOL! I love you! Thank you for shining your spirit! haha :-)
Thankyou for this Jeannie, I suffered poor self belief because of negative conditioning when I was a child, and then later from an over critical husband..for this reason I ensure that my children benefit from praise for every effort they put in, and they really ARE fantastic kids.
I totally agree Polly,
Of course we need to teach our children personal responsibility, but when they go out into the world (that is changing by the MINUTE) their self esteem and your love will hold them in as much balance as you can hope for.
Eventually most people get on that treadmill of work and paying the bills….all too soon. Take those same kids and turn them into 40 year olds and I don’t think there is much time for narcissism. This issue we are debating here becomes redundant eventually. The scariest thing is that they could turn into self-righteous rednecks — God knows we need more of those, eh?
My point is that self esteem is important. Personal responsibility is important. Respect for others is important.
I remember my grandparents talking about how us ‘whippersnappers of the 60′s were going to hell in a handbasket.’ Rock and Roll was going to destroy us all! Long hair and marijuana would bring everything down. On it goes.
Keep loving them and letting them KNOW they are perfect! The world will sweep them up soon enough.
There are so many examples of what children raised to have no self-esteem turn out to be, I agree things could be much worse than “spoiled brats”. At least they aren’t beating their spouses and children or entering a life of crime. Some kids responded to a questionaire with answers that deviate from what is considered an “acceptable” response, so we all get to feel superior to young adults in general and bloat ourselves with middle-aged pride. Who’s being narcissistic now?
Hi Jeannie…I am surprised to hear what you said considering your job description. It seems that most here do not know what a narcissist is. It has absolutely nothing to do with self esteem even less with an enlightened self.What narcissists believe themselves to be, well, that’s up to them but what they inflict upon others…….I am just in the process of losing my N. lady who for 4 years lied and deceived me unto the point of ruining my family and drive me into deep depression. And all that in the name of Jesus.
A narcissist has no love for others whatever. The purpose of others in their life is to feed themselves and their ego…it is called N. food. They are void of emphaty,love,concern but have trained themselves to be such pathological liars to make others believe that they actually do care about them.To do this successfully they must be attractive. They also have a canning ability to spot the weak and vulnerable ones like myself.
Having said all that, I take heart in seeing it as a way in which I had to come to terms with my own weaknesses.
Hi Jeannie, re: better education
Is the Harlem Children’s Zone on your radar and have you heard Prez Obama’s initiating getting 20 recipients of requests for startup funds? Access them online if you need: (online: Harlem Children’s Zone). The intiative is to see if the phenomenal success of HCZ in Harlem can be replicated elsewhere. The HCZ has a record of 80%+ of reading improvement, that’s something we can use nationwide!
I heard the author interviewed on the radio. She assumes that they have high self-esteem because ‘they say’ they have high self-esteem. I feel that your self-esteem is revealed more through your behavior than through what you say. In reality, I think narcissists have deeply buried low self-esteem. Think about it! If you parents are always telling you wonderful things about you but the message from the rest of the world is very different, it could create some strong disconnects in your psyche. I suggest some deep spiritual work. When we connect with our soul, the rest doesn’t matter, IMHO.
Hello Olivia,
Thanks for your response. The above blurb is an excerpt from an interview that I did with Dr. Twenge for our new issue (which is hitting newsstands this week). Later on in the interview, she actually addresses your point directly. Shockingly, despite the popular belief that deep down narcissists are truly insecure and have low-self esteem (one which I always held before speaking with her), her research has found that narcissists actually think they’re great–even at the deepest levels. It’s kind of scary and it suggests that you can’t cure narcissism by trying to artificially boost self-esteem, as is often the case. She also addresses this point quite deeply in her book. I recommend checking it out!
In New Thought, we believe that, indeed, each of us is fantastic simply because we’re here–but that makes us ALL fantastic and ALL of value and ALL One. This healthy self-regard that connects us to everyone else is simply the starting point for all that we are called to be and do (including learning the topic in classes!).
Interesting to see a book like this come out. My friend and I were recently conversing about this issue of narcissism before I heard of Twenge’s book. My friend is studying for a teaching credential here in the state of California (probably where narcissism originated…). He mentioned how they teach the concept of “no F’s”; that is, the reinforcement of no-failing grades. Much of his program integrates self-esteem-based ideologies to teach kids how special they are. He was stating his belief that this type of integration will lead to much of what Twenge is arguing in this book.
I, myself, worked campus security for a couple years at a small private college, Concordia University. If there is one thing I noticed quite in common with many of the students was the same kind of “entitlement mentality” in the students: don’t infringe on me and my personal time, my rights…blah blah blah. It was so bad, that often students would complain about parking tickets they received, yet in clear violation of posted stalls. It was as if many of them believed they could just park wherever they wanted, when they wanted. It was so bad, that one stuck-up kid even parked in the president’s personal parking space! This is no joke; it actually happened! It was almost as bad as the guy in “Office Space” who parked in the reserved spot for Initech CEO, Bill Lumbergh. It’s time for a lot of these kids to move in to the basement!!
Self-esteem is not to blame for that – in fact, a person with a healthy self-esteem would understand that others are as equally as entitled as they are, which means they would honor rules in place and harmony amongst society. I’d say they were simply engaged in a power struggle, one where they believe authority and power has to be taken, and that the world is not a fair place to live in.
Hey Chris,
Thanks for your response. Those are some interesting examples of the narcissism epidemic. Sometimes a little failure (like an “F”) is a good thing. It engenders humility and a willingness to really grow, develop, and mature.
Joel
I think there is a difference between a sense of self worth and a sense of accomplishment, though the two are often closely tied. If asked to make a (broad, sweeping) generalization, it seems to me that the older generation tends to generate self-esteem through accomplishment while the younger generation generates accomplishment through self-esteem. (Funny how generalization, generation and generate all made it into the same sentence.)
Let’s not use the term ‘narcissism’ so lightly. A true, clinical, narcissist is much more than someone feeling they deserve special ‘pardons’ for little work. A narcissist is a brittle, personality disorder characterized by having no empathy for another, even their own children. It is a ‘my way or the highway’ mentality….everyone else is ‘crazy’…not me. I have yet to read Twenge’s book. I hope she expands on this definition.
Hello Lori,
Jean Twenge does make a clear distinction in her book between the clinical form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the garden-variety self-centeredness that makes up the vast majority of what she’s calling the narcissism epidemic. She says that while they are definitely distinct, both have been rising significantly since the sixties.
Joel
i work in the television business and 20 years ago when i was a production assistant, i worked my ass off. all day every day and i did this for almost 15 years. the 20-somethings i see today working their way up the ladder are rarely like this. they leave the office at a reasonable time to go to the gym. they complain about working weekends. i’m still not sure who is more responsible.. i had no life but i built a great career. i know i sound old but kids these days don’t seem to have the same work ethic. but are they smarter on some level by refusing to give it all to a job or the group?
It’s not that “they” are smarter for doing it that way, in my opinion. It’s that each generation builds on the one before it. The new generation looks at the way things are, picks out what they like and what they don’t like (for example, about the way their parents or older siblings did things), and they make their choices accordingly. So there’s this ever-evolving picture that’s getting more and more clear each year about what it is that each person wants and doesn’t want. It’s just that people’s wants change throughout their lives. They may be choosing leaving work early now, but in a few years, they’ll want something different.
Anything carried to an extreme eventually distorts reality. A nation of people hooked on bodybuilding would perhaps produce a healthier population but would also distort reality. Even worthy goals carried to an exreme would distort reality, not that narcism is a worthy goal, but self esteme is. It’s the extreme that messes things up.
That quote is pretty oblivious to the actual study, it seems. The students are clearly saying that they believe that people should be judged on their work. Which is the OPPOSITE of what the complaint said (“Second, that won’t build true self-esteem; instead, it builds this empty sense of ‘I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.’”) The students distinctly stated that if really invested themselves in the work that their grade should reflect that, compared to just showing up (and being lucky).
It’s unfortunate that people don’t understand that intentions are far more indicative of personal health and far more useful to a healthy society than actions. Trying hard (putting in the work) is far more valuable to the world than getting lucky, because luck runs out, while perseverance and effort lead to lasting wisdom and understanding, and students know this. Teachers, on the other hand, aren’t always aware of it, though, and certainly most employers aren’t aware of it either, and sometimes reward only those who are lucky, until their luck runs out and they are quickly replaced. (And you wonder why so many businesses fail eventually, they are relying on luck, rather than real effort and enthusiasm in their employees…)
The reason intentions (including the willingness to invest your resources in something) are the most important element in judging someone is because intentions are entirely internally generated, while actions rely on both internal effort AND external effort.
For example, a very enthusiastic and curious student will always do worse when in a class with a very unenthusiastic, unhelpful, and pessimistic teacher who refuses to give the student the resources she needs to do a great job. But give that same student, with the same intentions, a teacher who is excited and optimistic about the class, and works hard to give each student the individual resources they need to be successful, and that enthusiastic student will thrive and blossom.
Narcissism is an irrelevant term in developmental theory, as we already know that life naturally wants to grow, and that if it’s not growing, it’s because there is something negative blocking it’s path forward.
So, ultimately, those of us interested in helping others grow (physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually) are continually asking what’s blocking us from being our best?
Great, objective points.
I agree with her remark that the truth is not that simple, however, her reaction to it is too simple, as well. It’s not a black and white picture of either “too self-infatuated for their own good,” and “I’m fantastic, not because I did anything just because I’m here,” vs. the other extreme, which is following ‘how the real world works.” There’s a fine balance to be struck by each individual, one with a healthy dose of worthiness, grace, feeling deservant, and being the decider and doer of how their life looks, not defined by any outside source or authority. I guide people to their own truths, to create their life the way they want it in an 8-day, wonderful course that raises self-determinism And self-esteem, a fine balance, indeed.
The truth is everyone is fantastic just because they are here. What is artificial is the “need” to perform and the illusion that what most of us perceive is “reality”. If someone is genuinely following their passion they deserve an “A” no matter what the contrived criteria are. Any other attitude just perpetuates the rat race and makes for unhappy humans.
Hear, hear, Mike!
what colour is the sky in your world, mike?
At our essence we ARE all divine, Godly. To imbue that in children is right on. However, who we ARE is different from what what DO. So it seems the solution lies in making clear the distinction between who we ARE and what we DO.
I’m not so sure that we are seeing is narcissism in our children. Perhaps “self esteem training” combined with self-serving materialism on the part of parents would damage some kids, and the author managed to find them when she wanted to write her book.
I’m a Boomer with a daughter raised with “self esteem” training. All of her friends were as well, which took place in a university community. The entire cohort finished their college educations two years ago and all of them took jobs with community service as the goal– landscape restoration and sustainable urban planning (my daughter), environmental journalism (her best friend), do-no-harm architecture (her other best friend), medicine, marine veterinary medicine (save the whales)… and the list goes on. I am in awe of all of them. Nearly all of them also worked to turn out the vote in the last presidential election.
I also worked for several years with many students in a university setting. I saw confidence, a desire to find real mentors, and a deep desire to make a difference there as well.
I am no psychologist, but I would look a little closer and perhaps unpack the meaning of answers to such leading questions as described above, given the context.
Thank you so much for bringing light to the actual movement!
As a Human Performance Engineer, I look for exemplars as guides. People who have achieved at the highest levels against the greatest odds. I mention this because the discussion of interest to me is what are the steps, the actions required to set forth on a mission of personal purpose and persevere to overcome all obstacles and be successful with one’s integrity intact.
So, I turned to one of my inspirations when I was an abused adoptee. Her story of character and strength and fight and discovery and learning and growing and teaching inspire me still. Ms Helen Keller speaks to the point more eloquently than I.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller
I’d be interested in viewing your site when you have it up and running!
That’s a beautiful quote Daniel. Thanks!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112292248
Author Po Bronson believes that kids today hear too much praise — much of it unearned. A couple of years ago, he wrote an article for New York Magazine on the subject, detailing how praise does not, in fact, lead to self-esteem and achievement as many parents seem to believe.
“Children today hear so much praise that they have decoded its real meaning,” he explains to Robert Siegel. “When kids fail and all we do is praise them, there’s a lot of duplicity in that, and kids begin to hear ‘Nothing matters to my parents more than me doing great or me being smart,’ and failure becomes almost a taboo subject.”
Bronson expands on the subject of praise — and other child-rearing issues — in his new book NurtureShock, which he co-authored with Ashley Merryman.
He says he first became aware of the issue of overpraise as the coach of his son’s kindergarten soccer team: “Until that point, I was telling the kids constantly, ‘You’re great, you’re doing well’ — even when they were dribbling the wrong way on the field.”
But once he read the research on the praise, Bronson says, he decided to change the way he spoke to kids. Instead of offering praise indiscriminately, Bronson focused on saying things that the kids would perceive as sincere.
“Over time, I learned to let kids develop their own judgment about how well they had done,” he says.
Audio of the interview is posted at the URL above.
That brings up a great point: saying things to people that is perceived as sincere means knowing what they want for themselves. If you can tell that one kid wants to be the best player they can, while another wants to build their confidence around others, then you give them praise that is in alignment with their goal. Kids do know what they want, what’s important to them, they may just not be able to vocalize it, but you can feel what’s most important to them. Thanks for bringing that up!
Every parent and teacher should know by now that overinflating a child’s self esteem is catastrophic ,because deep down the child always knows if he or she deserves this .
Personal dignity and worth is acquired by responsibility for your own life, after all its the only one you have .These are values you gain by yourself and how you decide to design your path.
Encouragement is the best way to stimulate any human being even if he or she is not the best.
The results of this survey are amazing. However, it seems to me that this article is suggesting a merging of levels of consciousness. Everyone is perfect as they are, at the highest level of consciousness. At the same time, this does not mean that they can merge this level into the everyday world of achievement, in which there is a natural hierarchy based on talents and effort, etc. They both exist at the same time. To promote “self-esteem” by awarding trophies for just being is the merging and is ridiculous. To suggest that there is no higher level at which we all just “are”, and that is perfect, is negating the ultimate truth. At this level there isn’t any “self-esteem”, there is “NO SELF” esteem. No separate one to esteem.
“I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.”
Why can’t we include and integrate both sides of the medal: We ARE fantastic just as we are. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone else or to ourselves, because we are human BE-ings and not human DO-ings!
And, yes, we are also fantastic, if we live up to our full potential and develop our inherent skills! But if we pull away our own fundament of being seen as worthy, you take away half the sense of life.
It is: being AND becoming….
I wish I would have been brought up with full understanding of what my “being/presence” really Is. That Self esteem balanced with the correct Identity as we grow up and mature in understanding, is precisely what children and humanity needs in order to evolve out of duality, inability and limitedness. Knowing who we really are solves the equation of a false “Narcissism”………..
I adore your artwork! I’m sending it forward.
What we REALLY are. I agree :)
Although I feel I am not as knowledgeable as many others who have replied, in my humble opinion, if someone needs to be rewarded “just for showing up”, then why not give them a Certificate of Attendance/Participation? If that makes them feel good, then great! However, the distinction must be made that it is ONLY a certificate of participation, and NOT one of competance! I am interested in energy healing, and have taken several courses. From these courses, I now have certificates of participation. When I look at them, they make me feel good, yet I KNOW these certificates do NOT make me a competant healer. I know the differance between the two, and am currently happy with the certificates I have.
The other thought which came to mind when I read the book quote(?), was Ayn Rand’s book, Atlas Shrugged. In the book, people basically demanded to get paid for doing nothing, so eventually nothing happened and society collapsed into a black hole! I feel that this scenario could be a result of being rewarded for “just showing up”.
There are two issues here: the first is ‘being fantastic’ and the second is ‘receiving reward’. Jean Twenge treats them as if they are the same and – while I can’t believe she views it as simplistically as that, and can’t wait for the book – we treat them very differently in our home. My answer to the first issue: yes, we are all fantastic just because we’re here. We teach our children that we are all different. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, their own talents, and should be encouraged to discover and pursue them. And that’s the basis for the second issue; if they actively participate in trying new things (especially at an early age) they should be rewarded for the effort. Later on, they will come to realise that following their bliss, whether it’s sweeping streets or composing symphonies, will bring its own rewards.
Narcissism – and the sense of entitlement it promotes – comes from an emphasis on the individual outside of community, and letting the ego run rampant; a me-generation running amok in late-nineties excess. It’s a Faludian ‘backlash’ against the ‘thou shalt’ era our parents lived in.
Now the pendulum must swing back and we must balance self-actualisation with compassion and serving the greater good.
In South Africa we have a philosophy called Ubuntu: “I am because you are.” This places the individual within the community and gives them permission to develop their individual gifts, such that they may employ them in the service of the community. Yes, we are all different, but we are all one.
hey….I believe everyone has a bit of narcissism in him…I mean if you are trying to compare between the ego of accomplishment and the ego of ‘I am someone special’ something has to be clearly stated…that people without a self worth cant achieve anything or they suffer from inferiority complex which makes them susceptible to defeats and failure which in turn beats down their moral….so narcissism to an extent should be inculcated in every fledgling to make them realise they are worth something and they are achievers…..correct me if I am wrong….
The larger problem is the spread of malignant narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder as outlined in the B cluster of personality disorders in the DSM IV DIAGNOSTIC MANUAL.
It is hard to get a handle on the percentage of persons with NPD in the general population as these people almost never get to treatment as they are reluctant to acknowledge they have any problems or faults.
The DSM IV lists 9 characteristics of which 5 are required to classify someone as a Narcissist:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
3. Believes they are “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also “special” or of high status
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Still one has to be careful not to get caught in labels and it doesn’t hurt to realize we all have narcissistic tendencies. As long as there is a self defensive ego mechanism, we all will have some of the factors that are inherent to the Narcissist.
I am with you, Bret! The fact of the matter is the so-called ‘real’ world is a cleaverly orchestrated fiction.
The kids that are born today aren’t going to put up with that crap any longer. I have 12 grandchildren and I couldn’t care less if they become ‘succesful’ in the eyes of the system. I care about integrity, personal responsibility and their personal joy. Everyone is born alone and dies alone….in the midst of all that is a life….your life and my life. What a person needs to do is to be true to themselves and bring whatever gifts they have into the world. And if they don’t, that is their right to choose.
To think that anyone needs to be a slave to something — to perform or compete or do whatever someone else demands is absolutely ridiculous.
Gee, James,
That sounds like George Bush Sr. to me. And…check out the definition of a Corporation. It is the same definition as a Sociopath.
The major concern I see to the world is that the reference for overly “self referenced” individuals is too small. As each entitled person lines up for his/ her share the larger we gets lost. The health care debate and the global warming debate are two very immediate examples of me trumping we is a sea of self referential debris. After all 5 Billion reference points are very difficult to plot.
What I took away from the also recently published “Nurture Shock” on this subject was that 1) parents and those involved with kids should not overly praise them and 2) kids should be taught to tell the truth, not lie to present only positive behavior. Parents should encourage truth-telling, making it clear they are pleased with that kind of behavior. As we know, parenting is complicated. When the welfare of the children are at heart, how you teach and model is what you will get from them. Abused kids will abuse; respected kids who are expected to respect others will behve that way. A healthy ego is a good thing we can expect from a child; at some point we also need to tactfully be truthful and critical of their behavior and performances if we want them to have an accurate assessment of themselves. Knee-jerk enthusiastic praise becomes meaningless and kids will see through that.
Teach your children well! Aloha!
You say in your article “the real world doesn’t work like this.” Obviously you ignored the entire George W. Bush presidency and the bailouts and bonuses to unproductive executives.
“I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.”
Is that so bad? One must question – why do you think it is so bad?
That is the message of every single mystic who ever lived on this earth – “Thou Art God.” “You are indeed fantastic, and I am indeed fantastic – just because I was born.”
It is this belief that one must ‘earn’ even basic neccessities that is causing many people, billions to starve while we have so many silos of food laying around.
I see nothing wrong with this, nor do I see it as narcisstic. Nariccism is self-absorption at the expense of others, thinking only about oneself and one’s resources.
Thinking that one is great is not bad at all!
What a great point:
“It is this belief that one must ‘earn’ even basic neccessities that is causing many people, billions to starve while we have so many silos of food laying around.”
Thank you for that. It reminds me of the law of attraction.
I am going to read this book… well… I’d do it this afternoon, if I could.
I could not more agree with the paragraph beginning, “There was a survey done…” and ending with “…just because I’m here.”
Man, oh, man… is that EVER a hot button with me! This whole business of soccer moms, for example, who set up these leagues where no one’s a loser and everyone’s a winner…
…Oy! It triggers the gag reflex, to be sure.
Contrary to the author, these study results come as NO surprise to me whatsoever. I’ve been seeing this coming for YEARS, and have written about it in various places… I think the last time at Yahoo Answers, but I can’t actually remember. I do know that I got some hate mail over it, though… as I usually do when I write about this subject.
I actually see this as a huge problem… one which contributes, in my opinion, to this country’s increasing inability to compete, every bit as much as our nation’s decreasing numbers of math and science grads.
As the latter 19th and pretty much all of the 20th centuries were more or less the US’s, the 21st century will be China’s… mark my words (and too bad I won’t be alive to see if I was right). This will be, in part, not only because everyone there is studying math and science, but also because narcissism among that country’s youth isn’t exactly one of its vexing problems. If culture knows hot to take one for the home team, it’s the Chinese.
Interesting. Great blog posting. Thank you.
___________________________
Gregg L. DesElms
gregg at greggdeselms dot com
Napa, California
Sounds like an interesting read. Maybe the book answers this, but how do we know other generations wouldn’t have responded in the same way?
Seems to me that we’re all a little focused on ourselves when we’re younger and dealing with everything that comes along with college, then grow up and realize the world is a lot more than just us and our issues.
And isn’t there more to life than abusing our children by forcing them to study math and science for hours on end and put them through incredibly stressful testing where they have to cheat because of all the pressure they feel – which is what happens in China? Just a thought…
Unfortunately, teaching sometimes does seem like torture unfortunately. Yet we know there’s negative and positive learning. Motivation is key to any teaching/learning: keep your eyes on the prize. When you can relate the subject to a recalcitrant learner, that should help a whole lot. Mixing fun is also key. Think of how you have learned, what worked and what didn’t then try to apply that to learners. Good questions are also very productive. Best wishes to good learners and teachers!
In my humble opinion…..okay, okay, it’s more of a self- elevated opinion, there is no such thing as ‘low’ or ‘high’ esteem. There is only ‘what’s so’.
And we have failed to tune in to that. To be human is to generalize….about everything! Check it out. (I am assuming that Twenge and Campbell have transcended that natural tendency.)
We live in a world where we’ve had to overcome religions that have made that world ugly, where well-meaning ‘experts’ have drugged us, analyzed us, placed us into categories so we could be observed and therefore treated to make us more ‘balanced’ – translate as – ‘more easily controlled’ or ‘less of a disturbance’ by educators, over-worked parents, and the world of commerce (consumption), and the governments.
(Notice the generalization? Hard to escape!)
As a grandfather, I talk to my grandchildren and their friends….really talk and listen. “Grampa, most of what adults claim they are doing for us young folks, is really all about them! They are afraid, and so they make rules for us.”
Maybe what we call narcissism is among the next steps of consciousness-raising and we are trying to stifle it and condemn it, and drug it, instead of being with it, integrating it and allowing it to be an authentic expression so it doesn’t take on such convoluted forms.(in our opinion)
Note: In my own life experience, claiming high esteem was more bravado than anything.
Your words made me smile with so much hope, thank you. “Maybe what we call narcissism is among the next steps of consciousness-raising and we are trying to stifle it and condemn it, and drug it, instead of being with it, integrating it and allowing it to be an authentic expression so it doesn’t take on such convoluted forms.(in our opinion)”
Hello, Katrina, re: ” “Maybe what we call narcissism is among the next steps of consciousness-raising and we are trying to stifle it and condemn it, and drug it, instead of being with it, integrating it and allowing it to be an authentic expression so it doesn’t take on such convoluted forms.(in our opinion)”
Can there be an up and a downside to narcissm or is it enough to say there should be the cautionary brake on mere egotism and selfish attitudes that don’t respect others rights as well? A healthy ego that can get up and achieve and be justifiably proud of accomplishment is what we want. An overambitious boor that plows everybody else they can under is reprehensible. We have the culture that produces these people who will claw their way to the top and think it proof of success in life. We can nurture more balanced attitudes by showing kids the upside of their efforts but also keep in perspective that there’s always room for improvement and no one has a monopoly on trying to do their best and we should honor this.
thanks, Grandpa
Love, Grandma
To say I’m this or that can be an opinion, conclusion or description which keeps us from looking and learning in a fresh, open minded manner. Why have high or low self esteem or an image of one’s self at all?
… I am needs to be fully experienced and shouted from the rooftops
unconditionally before we can let it go and transcend to the higher
stages …
to be no one, first you have to be someone !!!
Yes! I agree with you. We tend to overgeneralize. Add to that our tendency to focus on the negative and turn everything into a pathology and we end up with a very bleak picture, a narrow conversation, and a world without distinctions…
Hi Rich, re: ” there is no such thing as ‘low’ or ‘high’ esteem.”
All respects but I’m not sure where you’re coming from when you say that. What do you say about all the folks who have been so squelched by their parents, teachers, peers, life and all the rest that have left them feeling inadequate and sometimes not able to function? We’ve all been put down at some time or other and some are more resilient than others or less whacked by critics. Haven’t you felt that sometimes? It’s not to say there should be knee-jerk approval and kids should learn their true worth but there’s always a way to say things nicely, gently when necessary. Severe criticism often angry is often very lastingly damaging. I think many will agree with what I’m saying.
_________________________
I’m getting a notice that I’ve already submitted a post which isn’t true. Excuse if you find a duplicate.
Hi, Richie, re: “In my humble opinion…..okay, okay, it’s more of a self- elevated opinion, there is no such thing as ‘low’ or ‘high’ esteem. There is only ‘what’s so’.”
Well that’s very philosophical but I wonder if you yourself don’t have feelings that make you feel good about yourself and then other feelings that make you feel shitty, really negative about yourself. Some of it can be self-inflicted wounding but I think other people’s opinions certainly have some effect, unless you’re so evolved or don’t give a hoot what others think and say about you. You’d be somewhat of a curiosity, IMO. I think most people care and children are so vulnerable to what others say, esp when scolded or abused. Tell me if I’m wrong.
**********************************************************
“I’m just fantastic, not because I did anything but just because I’m here.”
**********************************************************
~ ~ ~ yup, that’s the world that the God i have created would have created for me …
And there is not a hint of sarcasm in this post …
Please do the Shadow work people, it’s so important in the next few years … Thank you …
The Shadow Work, The Avatar Course, etc. I agree! Self-discovery is key to a successful life for everybody!
I just HAVE to addd my 2 cents here- I am sorry But WE all Should be PROUD that we are ! That I am mentality is Awesome- Just the fact that we are here against all odds is some thing to be proud of !
We are special pieces of God, and should act more like it !
Peace,
Diane
The author of this article makes the mistake of confusing entitlement with empowerment in her sentence: “In her latest book, The Narcissism Epidemic, the author unveils some startling evidence that this cultural trend towards individual empowerment may have created a generation of young people too self-infatuated for their own good.”
True individual empowerment is *the* key to the transformation of the individual and society.
Christine Hoeflich
author, What Everyone Believed: A Memoir of Intuition and Awakening
Aw, a kindred soul (I can tell from the description of your book!). Thank you for sharing.
I agree with Christine- and I like the spirit of Katrina’s response. Life is full of subtlety and nuance. For many people who’ve read this book or heard these ideas the world has become, very simply, narcissistic. Sadly, the nuances are lost and the subtlety is dead… I like the distinction you’ve made here Christine… It opens the door to a deeper, richer conversation.
As an educator I couldn´t agree more. It´s sad, but true, that this self-centered, I deserve just because I´m here attitude, together with a collectevist mentality of entitlement has rendered many youth unable to accept responsibility for their lives and futures. It´s sad when one realizes that a cult of entitlement has pervaded popular culture and is now refelected in our political culture, as well. Of course, adults who have neglected to actively parent are in large measure to blame for this situation, having accomodated and encouraged such attitudes in their children.
Everything I know comes from someone else. I have no original thoughts.
There are some rare people who do have an original style of thinking based on experience. Bertrand Russell has always struck a chord in me for his down to earth view of the human experience. The following are some of his ideas related to human nature of which narcism is a pernicious trait:
“Too little liberty brings stagnation and too much brings chaos.”
“To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.”
“Not to be certain is I think one of the essential things in rationality”
“The universe may have a purpose but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours.”
“Passive acceptance of the teacher’s wisdom is easy to most boys and girls. It involves no effort of independent thought and seems rational because the teacher knows more than the pupils; it is more
over the way to win favor of the teacher unless he is an exceptional man. Yet the habit of passive acceptance is a disastrous one in later life. It causes man to seek and to accept a leader, and to accept as a leader whoever is established in that position”
“Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”
And one sobering final quote from Earnest May’s book “Lingua Ex Machina” as to how great we may think we are from an evolutionary standpoint:
“Most species are not intelligent, which means that high intelligence is not favored by natural selection – or that it is very hard to achieve.”
… the default response of the mind has been throughout the ages
“no” ~ exceptional people come along every now and then to
sow seeds of “yes” and we can slowly, shedding our fear, attain
this new state …
I believe that this “yes” is now in ascendancy and in a very short time will be lead to a new evolutionary leap in mankind and will enable a greater level of co – creativity to occur on this planet …
And it matters not to what we say “yes”, just that it is our own truth and not the common, societal acceptance of another’s …
Hi James, re: “There are some rare people who do have an original style of thinking based on experience.”
Yes, thanks be for their coming along in the course of the development of human thought, these rare and outstanding thinkers who put their original thoughts into our consiousness and make their contributions to the marketplace of ideas. As you mention even ideas tend to become developed based on previous thought but then there are these really hard thinkers who seem to come up with what seem revelations, all the more impressive for their originality and applications to the already-known.
Can we consider these people who push the envelope of knowledge that they are expanding reality, making the known a bit more than what has been so far revealed to us? They also are engaged in Truth, making our understanding of what’s what more accurate, more True.
I think we need to be careful about distinguishing between:
1) ‘narcissism’ as an overblown sense of entitlement that goes along with an overblown self esteem
and
2) NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder characterised by an inability to feel empathy and usually an permanently inflated ego that compensates for traumatic destruction of healthy self esteem at an early age. (See DSM IV manual of personality disorders)
This is not a critique of the book, though, because I haven’t read it yet.
Hi Jane, re: “I think we need to be careful about distinguishing between:
1) ‘narcissism’ as an overblown sense of entitlement that goes along with an overblown self esteem
and 2) NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder characterised by an inability to feel empathy and usually an permanently inflated ego that compensates for traumatic destruction of healthy self esteem at an early age. (See DSM IV manual of personality disorders)
I’d say the two are both manifestations of overdeveloped ego, an arrested development that hasn’t yet learned others need to be considered, not only selfish ends. Maturing to become an adult human being depends on this recognition or we tend to consider the overly egoistic as childish and immature.
Spiritual Awakening effects a recognition that we’re all created equal, with equal rights that need to be contended with or risk pissing people off all the time and/or winding up becoming a recluse, if that’s what you want.
I think this book resonates with a lot of educators. We see this attitude on a daily basis. That’s not to say all our students have an attitude of entitlement, but we see enough of it. Teaching self-esteem is great, but I think of that line from the The Staple Singers’ song –
“If you’re walking ’round think’n that the world owes you something cause
you’re here, you goin’ out the world backwards like you did when you first come here …”
After years in China as a university professor I finally “got it” what “satori” really means. Now in my 50’s and practicing Buddhism for many years; I’ve lived in and visited temples around the world; it was my 23-25 year old students who really never got impressed when I’d discuss my worldly accomplishments and titles with them. I finally “got it” when I was able to truly inspire them to learn from a teacher who became compassionate to their needs; present each day quality instruction; and be a native English speaker. Being a native English speaker sometimes brings baggage. Therefore; I learned it was never about me, but then, it really was about me!
Aw, how wonderful! I praise your “journey.”
I think the parents of the baby boomers were totally conditioned and programmed to set a standard through raising their children to fit into a very conformed box, with defined borders and distinct expectations.
A good 2002 BBC documentary called The Century of the Self, says a great deal about this paradigm, starting around WWI, to brain wash the population to be consumers.
Reality-consumerism set in, moving from emphasizing survival and community and sharing during the depression to the “me first” generation–those who can get farther the fastest. Quality of relationship and human values were unconsciously left behind in order to compete and win. This is still the general philosophy of the education system, the government and the Christian conservatives. . .distancing us from nature, including our own mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health , threatening total envirnomental disaster and more . . . . .
We are now trying desperately to shake that image–many of us studying the healing arts, Yoga, Native American, Buddhist and other Eastern traditions over the years are learning how to be more independent, self-responsible and empty, while cultivating love and compassion for our brothers/sisters around the world.
As America is still the richest country in the world, with the most choices, we have been spoiled and protected to humbly experience the pain of the world. Our suffering at the present time is a critical indicator of our need to let go of the past and truly and deeply change.
The first step is to show gratitude for the gifts we each have, to honor and uphold our diversity and to share these gifts without condition and selfish gain in order to unify our strengths and get to work!
I feel there is hope for us,
As a retired schoolteacher I could not agree more with Jean Twenge. Exams in many subjects in Britain have become ‘dumbed down’ to try to ensure nobody ever fails. Pass rates have increased, year on year, for the past 25 years. I still tutor maths and sciences and the level of basic maths and English in many of my students taking university entrance exams is abysmal. Your book has just gone on my reading list!
Howard Jones
It’s good to be alive.! Life is intherently positive and we are part of life even in our imperfections. We are here to learn and to evolve. Mistakes are part of evolution. No use insisting on the negative side but rather point to the Higher.
One cannot fight against darkness, but darkness naturally fades because one brings the Light of Knowledge so that everything is brought in order.
That what this exerpt from “Steps to Knowledge” (Marshall Vian Summers) inpires me with all my imperfections
Step 201
MY MIND WAS MADE TO SERVE KNOWLEDGE.
UNDERSTANDING THIS,YOU WILL REALIZE THE VALUE of your
mind, and you will not deprecate it. Realizing this, you will
understand the value of your body, and you will not deprecate it. For
your mind and your body are but vehicles to express Knowledge. In
this, you become the recipient of Knowledge. In this, you remember
your great Heritage. In this, you are comforted by the assurance of
your great destiny.
THERE IS NO ILLUSION HERE.There is no self-deception here. Here
all things find their right order. Here you understand the true
proportion of all things. Here you understand the value of your mind,
and you will not want to give it tasks of which it is not capable.Thus,
your mind becomes constructively applied and will be unburdened
with attempting the impossible. Realizing this, you will see that your
body is made to serve your mind, and you will understand the value of
your body and its great application as a tool for communication. In
this, you will accept its limitations, for limited it must be.You will also
appreciate its mechanism.You will appreciate all of the encounters that
you have with other individuals in this world.You will be glad, then,
that you have a mind and a body so that you may communicate the
power and the essence of Knowledge.”
But it is true that we have value outside of any accomplishments and the 1960′s and beyond has helped our society to understand this. Prior to this our society inshrined the Protestant work ethic which stated that your value as a human being was found in the work you accomplish and you are a better person if you do more work. Narcissism is on one extreme and the Protestant work ethic is on the other. Virtue is found somewhere in the middle.
What hubris. The culture embraces selfishness and indifference. We have built monuments to the collective greed and selfishness as the highest ideals of our culture. Our institutions are dedicated to perpetuating the myth while they conceal personal responsibility. We have only reaped what we have sown. The issues of disassociation are a projection of attitude not a mental construct.
You’re painting with some pretty broad strokes here Jerry. While there is some truth in your words, there is a whole lot happening in our “institutions” that don’t support or perpetuate the myth. I just saw the baby disappear down your drain along with the bath water.
As a 24 year old young professional, I find it more interesting to read the comments of people who agree with this very breif post, which has as examplebut a question and answer- not a very scientific or thorough argument- to then conclude that 2/3 of my demographic is narcisistic! Quite frankly, I would answer yes too, even if I thought that my answer could affect my overall score. Why? Not because I’m a self-loving, self-centered individual with a limited sense of reality or merit, but because education is very expensive and quite frankly, sometimes hard work is not enough, when faced with the reality of having to study full time and endure up to two full time jobs to be able to finance it.
I agree with you Sanita. Some people are narcissists. Others are working to two jobs and/or trying to raise a family. To lump everyone together just because they gave the same answer on a survey lacks wisdom and discretion.
Wonderful and important discussion!
The trend in our education systems that tries to include every kid into being “special” and “fantastic” to me only points to the fact that we as humanity are severely lost.
We define our greatness through accomplishment and not through our uniqueness. Every person is an unimaginable gift of life. And that gift actually increases in significance and sophistication the more people there are on the planet. But that gift is given with birth and cannot be ever be matched with any accomplishment.
We as people and especially as parents have the choice to see and celebrate each other as that. As long as we miss that essential truth we miss life. Awakening, enlightenment just means that: let the truth of our being shine through and the only thing one can see is that in every living being.
Once that becomes the foundation of all our interaction accomplishment, contribution and participation comes naturally. I have given that to my 2 children in various form but mainly like this: you are loved here, without ANY condition and if your contribution to our lives doesn’t come voluntary I am not interested in it. And while this was quite and adventure and we felt much insecurity around it initially I now know (they are 20 and 22 now) that it became a foundation in them that makes them exceptional people that naturally express what they are in everything they do and accomplish…
The online environment is a perfect home for the true narcissist. These people struggle with giving empathy and consideration to their fellow beings. However they are often intelligent and can mimic such qualities should it suit their ends. The online environment, devoid of bodily and interpersonal cues, makes it especially easy to present a front that is convincing whereas in real life many true narcissists will crash upon the rocks of interpersonal communication with people running out of their lives screaming at their despicable self-absorbed behaviour.
Perversely the very heart of narcissism, this sometimes boastful, always self absorbed, behaviour, is a grave lack of self esteem and a belief that they are of no worth, that they are damaged goods, hollow cores. All the rest is a frantic scrambling to hide, disguise and deny this unfortunate driving belief at their very core.
hey Doug, how lame is that…true, internet provides the platform and the information that one has pre assumed and it supports him or his thought….but how lame is that,when people are virtually living on net and it has became a mainstay in everyone’s life that you could highly undermine the internet. What you say as ‘devoid of bodily and interpersonal cues’ is actually the platform where you get to know the thinkings of person…..How can you overlook the fact that people who are shy and so self absorbed in real life actually speks his mind on net…..and narcissism is a fact of relativity….who does not want to boast of himself….and if this narcissism can offer a placebo effect to the ‘hollow cores’,why should people refrain from indulging from it a bit ????
I think you have to be careful, as a previous poster aptly noted, to distinguish between the true narcissist (someone afflicted by Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and people who display certain characteristics stereotypically associated with narcissism (eg boasting), as sometimes we all do. The true narcissist is a sick person afflicted with an illness that will blight their lives and those of people who have anything to do with them.
I certainly don’t wish to deny anyone the internet. God only knows I spend too much time on it myself. I certainly believe that for many people it can be an invaluable source of information and social exchange. I think it becomes problematic when it is the only source of social interaction, particularly for young people, as a whole range of other social skills are never learned online.
However it is also the perfect medium for the true Narcissist because it makes it very easy to play psychological games and manipulate people and these are the Narcissist’s tools of the trade. It’s much harder to fool people in ‘real life’ as there are also bodily and behavioural clues as to whether someone is lying to you or playing games with you. The true Narcissist will always seek to exploit people for personal gain simply because a) It’s all about him/her and b) they have no empathy or consideration for anyone else.
The true Narcissist is always discarding people, or being discarded, and moving on to fresh people as his/her tricks, games, exploitations are discovered. In real life they tend to start running out of people after a while whereas online the narcissistic vampire has an endless source of fresh blood.
Doug,
Your comment is both informed and insightful. Unfortunately most people aren’t as well versed as you on the topic of NPD. This subject is very much under the radar and I encourage people to help get the information out into the open as much as possible. Therapist especially tend to avoid it as they can’t do much with these people if confronted by them. in the clinical environment. They’d rather not deal with it.
Some people I know as well as myself have toyed with the idea of getting a 501c3 status from the government to start a foundation dedicated to the study, aid, dissemination of information etc. for both Narcissists and even more so for there victims.
I’m always grateful when authors as those mentioned in the blog and the topic itself are broached in the press, media or internet as the more people are aware of it, the better off we all are.
We should also be aware as well of the “Echo” character portrayed in Ovid’s myth of Narcissus and the nature of co-dependency which has much to do with the whole subject and it’s effect upon relationships.
James
Indeed, James.
True narcissists are extremely resistant to therapeutic treatment.
Firstly they wouldn’t dream of getting treatment. They don’t have a problem, it’s the rest of the world that’s at fault. Secondly, NPD is hard to diagnose as it often manifests in a baffling array of symptoms that are seemingly disconnected from each other. Thirdly, should a narcissist seek treatment (usually at other’s insistence), he/she is extremely unlikely to be honest with the therapist. These people are usually intelligent and have spent a lifetime attempting to hide their (perceived) essential inadequacy from the eyes of the world using all sorts of lies, distortions and manipulations. They are not likely to cede this to a mere therapist. Finally were a true narcissist to see a therapist they would, most likely, not be seeking a ‘cure’ but rather therapeutic validation of their worth. See, they succeeded at therapy better than anyone else could have! The odds are truly stacked against the poor old therapist who, to some extent, always has to rely on the goodwill and willing submission of the patient.
The outlook is generally pessimistic in relation to a true narcissist responding to treatment…though perhaps not impossible. Which is where the dissemination of information and knowledge may prove invaluable. Equally for the narcissists, their victims and the therapists.
Those of us unlucky enough to have had personal contact with a narcissist can attest to the baffling array of tricks at the disposal of these people, their refusal to submit to any tenets of decent, moral or considerate behaviour, the labyrinthine web of justifications they have for their often despicable behaviour, and, ultimately, the seeming imperviousness of their condition to any attack by rationality, conscience, pleading, anger, tears, self-awareness.
As a teacher of young children I have seen the narcissism and I agree with the authors overall point of view. However, life is complex. There is a danger of going too far when pointing out general trends; we begin to see the trend everywhere and lose the subtle nuances of life.
We are not all created equal, and our experiences in this world are very different. I have kids come into my class that have been torn to shreds. They’ve been told over and over again, and in a variety of ways, that they are not okay, they are not smart or pretty or strong or… whatever… These kids are afraid at a core level. They are terrified of failure, afraid that they are unlovable and unworthy. They’re even afraid of their own voices, afraid to speak their minds… As a teacher I have to look at each individual. The way I speak to one of these children will be different from the way I speak to narcissistic child.
To offer praise is, in itself, not bad. Some kids need praise. It’s the quality and content of our praise that we should focus on. When I complement a student I try to focus on substance… the substance of their thinking, their actions, and their character. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like praise at all; it’s more like pointing out the quality of their thinking, or generosity of their actions.
And finally, I take issue with the author when she points out that the world isn’t always a place that rewards us just for showing up. While that may be true, I would say that the world isn’t always a kind place. Sometimes schools, like the rest of the world, can be heartless places. As revolutionaries in the field of consciousness our job is lift the collective psyche, infuse our lives with spirit. Evolution does include competition and we do need to work hard and give our best. But… evolution also involves cooperation and love. For some kids just showing up is an act of unbelievable courage.
So yes, I agree… there is a flavor of narcissism in the mix… but we need to be careful. The world is very complex. I’ve seem teachers read about narcissism and then assume that everyone in the class is a narcissist. When painting the world I try to be careful to paint with just one color.
Love
Daniel, I appreciate your sublety and your faith in the good nature of human beings.
I have always be very careful of all these surveys, because it tends to give a partial view of the complexities of life and they are made through the lens and the level of consciousness of the observer.
Quynh-Hoa, Yes, a partial view to be sure. Surveys and statistics can be shaped to support any point of view. Life is tapestry of many colors. And then there’s the issue of interpretation. As you suggest, we cannot see beyond where we are.
By the way, I enjoy reading your thoughts…
All good things
Daniel,
I very much agree with the general thrust of your post, that things aren’t black or white at all and we absolutely need to avoid sweeping generalizations especially in our interaction with children.
A few things I view a bit differently however. You said:
“We are not all created equal, and our experiences in this world are very different. ”
I would say. we are not created but we are all equal, that is we are as equal as we are free from having or going through experiences. Experiences imply time, fragmentation, the experiencer, which are all bound to the past and differentiation which psychologically create conflict and suffering. Experiencing is one action in the active present which is not self centered.
You are right to have remarked that: “As a teacher I have to look at each individual. The way I speak to one of these children will be different from the way I speak to narcissistic child.”
I would agree with that except to add I wouldn’t even look at one particular child as the same person from moment to moment, but
see the child as a new person each moment. Other than technical knowledge which may be needed to interact with them, I would disregard my accumulated images of the child and opinions of them as a person, narcissism or no. If they’ve changed I won’t be looking at them through the conclusions I’ve solidified about them from previous contact. With adults it’s less likely but children do have a chance to change. None of us are the same person we were a moment ago.
Finally, you couldn’t be more on point about cooperation being much more important than competition. Competition is one thing we need to collectively re-evaluate in our current society. I’m not sure we see the danger of it. It may not be needed at all, although most of our current culture is centered on it.
Cooperation on the other hand does resolve a majority of conflicts.
As an employer, I see a whole new generation of workers that expect to be “praised” as well as “corrected”. When I tell someone what they’re doing wrong, they tell me I am critical and that I never compliment them (on their “good work”). Although, I do, on occasion, pull someone aside and tell them what a terrific job they’re doing, normally this praise is reserved for the completion of a specific assignment. A good performance is EXPECTED. That’s what they’re paid for. I am not a personal coach. I do not want to be someone’s personal cheerleader. This is a whole new phenomena (sp?). My older employees were never like this.
Laura,
I am 24 years old: I am a Senior Communications Officer. I have a boss. My boss is unlike you, but I have known bosses with your discourse.
As you say, we get paid and are expected to to a good job: it isn’t because you’re a generation or two away from me that you say this, but because you live a different reality than me. It has nothing to do with age.
I come to work and I discover, I play, I learn, and I am blogging right now. I also work hard, I write, I translate, I proofread, and I try my best. I don’t need praise because I’m young. I don’t need to be pulled aside and cheered.
I will be as daring as you now: a “boss” who thinks that to be positive towards employees’ good work ethic means they are “cheerleaders” or “personal coachs” is not a good leader.
I will not comment further because your comment has stirred me up emotionally and I am at a loss of words.
Sanita,
I had the same impression you did when I read Laura’s post. Then again, sometimes different environments call for different approaches. Still I more often than not see things in the same light as you.
Don’t forget though, you probably are lucky to be where you are, and if you are really lucky you are not in the U.S. but perhaps in a somewhat more intelligent social environment.
Don’t let it upset you however. Remember there are some people who hate their jobs, some people who feel they are lucky to even have a job, and others who are glad they don’t have to work at the normal type of ‘job’ at all because they are retired or rich or picked the right parents. There are others sick and dying and those watching their loved ones being murdered violently in places like Africa.
The people who may be the worst leaders are also the people who are in need of the most understanding and compassion.
You’re right James and I do apologize to Laura: your comment caused a chemical reaction in my brain that I could not control.
I am from Canada.
“As revolutionaries in the field of consciousness” our job is to wake up ourselves- to wake up from the dream of what we think and what we believe. Imagine how we might relate to others- to youth- if we approached them from clarity beyond the judgments that arise from our own conditioning. To label someone a narcissist is a judgment. You are trying to manipulate the dream state from the dream state.
I agree we have a duty to wake ourselves up but this also poses an interesting dilemma concerning the level of disengagement from the ‘workaday’ world. For instance, to pose an extreme example, where would such a level of disengagement and self-focus leave us were another Hitler to arise? For sure calling him a seeming narcissistic psychopath is a ‘judgement’ on our part and we would certainly be attempting to manipulate the dream state from the dream state but if we didn’t…
It’s an interesting philosophical meeting of an ‘Eastern’ path (change thyself) with a ‘Western’ path (change the world).
I agree, labels don’t produce changes but violence, according to Marshall Rosemberg
Hi every body.
It seem that the more we “know” the more confuse we are.Self Esteem as I have come to understand it, is the absolutely, clear, undeniably, understanding of oneself value and rigths as human been. So, yes,” just to be here”.
Now, what is the value and the rights of a human been?
I meant: everybody, and human beings. English is not my mother tongue,
however I like to express my opinions the best I can.
Thank You “everybody” for the understanding of this “human being”
As Grandmaster Choa Kok Sui (Pranic Healing/Arhatic Yoga) so insightfully taught (I paraphrase):
There is a difference between something being qualitatively true versus something being quantitatively true. It is qualitatively true that we ALL have inate value and worth as a Being/Soul. But what we demonstrate on the physical level may or may not quantitatively demonstrate that Soul greatness.
So while it is important to remind children/young adults of their automatic goodness and value….we must also teach and encourage a drive and passion to demonstrate that greatness in our world. To let the soul shine through this physical form/illusion.
Thank you for that, Lisa. I like that – the distinction between the innate goodness and value vs. the demonstration of that goodness and value in the world.
What good does it do to praise students regardless of what they’ve done? It seems like a cruel set-up, because when they go into the world and don’t get fawned over automatically for simply showing up, they are understandably confused.
Hi Lisa, re: “But what we demonstrate on the physical level may or may not quantitatively demonstrate that Soul greatness.”
If I may submit, it’s not so important what you believe you believe and say, but how you behave. If you act on evil words and thoughts, your behavior will be evil. If you think and act spiritually–with compassion and care for others–the world, the environment, your behavior will tend to be spiritual.
Hello again everyone.
First of all let me say I really do admire the insight and the work involved in expressing their findings that the authors of the book this blog thread of comments is based. I don’t think their intention was to specifically
generate completely new sweeping definitions of everything involved with self esteem, narcissism, education ans such. It felt to me like they were seeing a certain commonality and after gathering some facts thought it was something important to publish what they have found to serve as a red flag to therapists, parents, educators and children in order to prevent more people from going down the wrong path however good the intentions may be.
The way I see it, looking back generally on the history, or story line of this whole topic of children, empowerment, esteem etc., at least to me what happened was something like this:
Worldwide, humanity has had a huge problem with the whole arena of education, not just in the schools, but at home, work and in the whole of life. Education has been organized in a very destructive and fragmentary way, and also presented in a very disorderly fashion which means first things are not taught first, as in what does it mean to learn and and why should we learn? This all stems from the vast and immense weight of neurosis in people along with thousands of years of neurotic conditioning, tradition, authority, nationalism, organized religion etc which all lead to human beings who are broken into pieces, fragments and therefore are not whole.
So schools, especially public schools and most private ones are set up in a way that only harm children, students, parents and teacher.
Moreover, there is with this whole neurotic mindset the arena of competition and comparison grading etc. To compare oneself to someone else is extremely destructive. It leads to violence, prevents wholeness, gives wau tp jealousy and egotism. Also due to this there has also been abuse, from teacher, parent and child to child.
Seeing this, I guess starting in the fifties and sixties, some forward thinkers got the idea that children should be given positive reinforcement instead of being torn down, and parents especially felt that perhaps they could strengthen a childs opinion of his or herself with lots of verbal boosting or propping up, with compliments, suggestions etc. “You are good, wonderful, etc. which is just as meaningless and destructive as insults and verbal abuse, comparison etc. They are both sides of the same coin.
Most teachers are parents so teachers also were attracted to this kind of remedial self image, self esteem practice. The thing is the child loses out when it is not shared with him or her that they can keep an open mind, not have to maintain a self image, either good or bad but investigate beyond the labels and learn together with other students, themselves their teachers friends and family as to what is this whole arena of the human personality and what kinds of self deception and tricks one plays on one’s self psychologically that keep people from realizing they can be very susceptable to fooling themselves and getting stuck in images, ideas and opinions about themselves which is analysis. This keeps them from directly experiencing their psychological hurts and getting over them, resolving them immediately.
As time went on this “positive” practice which is as unbalanced as the negative image was going to far to the extreme and professionals in the related fields of child psychology, education, sociology and all of that (if there even is such a thing as professionals in those fields – I think there can be and are, with relevant impact and work to do in certain cases and situations, as with highly unbalanced individuals etc.); they were able to
see a definite result from this whole self esteem mania that could clearly be seen as unhealthy to the individual and the society in which they are growing up.
I am not really too interested in the whole idea of low or high self esteem. It’s just a self image, part of the self centered defense mechanism of the ego, which keeps us from relating and also keeps us busy building and maintaining walls around ourselves. These walls make communication or dialogue very difficult. These walls also taint our energy and lead us into unhealthy ways of escaping from things that are uncomfortable.
I don’t believe in low self esteem of course, but neither do I accept self esteem as something valid.
We need to stop being obsessed with having a self and see what living is like then, direct, sensitive and unshielded from the so- called world outside us, until there is no longer and us or the world, except when we are driving a car, flying a plane or doing brain surgery etc.
James
I grew up in the 1960s and 70s. The only ones who got ” trophies ” and feel-good pats on the back were those the teachers either liked, saw their own potential, or were just so damned good-looking that nothing else mattered. The rest of us still had to figure it out for ourselves; fortunately I did, never bought into this political correctness. Maybe that’s why I didn’t fit in then either – at 13 I already had figured it out by myself . . . school of hard knocks, I guess.
Certainly goes against some of today’s philosophies. Dealing with young persons, it takes some time to get them to realize that in the real world you have to put in effort before you get results.
Some catch on and some still wait for the train of goodies to arrive while they sit and wait.
There is great merit in what Jean has found in her research. As an educator, this trend is clearly obvious in my own classrooms. Yet, I prefer to employ outstanding young people in my business because of what they have to offer. They offer fresh insights, compelling reasons to leave some of my outdated thinking aside and an opportunity to share what I´ve learned with them. I treat each new employee like a junior partner and they share in all major decisions of the business, including new hires. This has resulted in a stimulating work environment, a real sense of belonging and a loving, family like bond between all team members.
Like many of the commentators on this blog, I grew up in the 60´s and 70´s. At home, child abuse was the norm and I learned to accept that I deserved little or no recognition. There was always a sibling more compliant to the wishes of my overbearing, abusive and socially inapt parents. Being different and irrepressible, I soon realized to pay the price for following my interests. Undeterred, I continued while the torment intensified but at 18, I was able to flee the gulag.
It took a good three decades to heal the damage done in those early impressionable years of my life. Instead of love and support, I received hatred, physical and emotional abuse. In my work as an educator I´m amazed at how often it is the kids who have to survive the parents, rather than, the other way around.
Perhaps it´s time we consider the possibility the trend noted in Jean´s research is the symptom of a generation of young people who have paid a heavy price just for showing up. In today´s world, full of dropouts, failed economies and lack of loving care in far too many households, a trophy for showing up might merit consideration. Of course, such a trophy just like a pacifier, will never take the place of real nourishment. But for some it will promise something more than they´ve ever had before especially when that something has been abuse.
We all know what the expected consequences of abusive child upbringing can bring. I hear there’s also the ill-advisedness of overpraising kids so that they do not learn to accept well-placed and improvement-based criticism. Not being too carried away by disappointed anger or over-the-top knee-jerk encouragement are both perhaps ill-advised. The median would be a level-headed assessment of behavior and appropriate responses, praise and criticisms.
Over-bearing ego is usually something conscious folk find negative and yet we all know our culture exalts those who use their egos to further their ambitions, the further the better. On the flip side, Though it’s impossible and probably not a good thing to rid ourselves entirely of ego, on the flip side there’s maybe the apotheosis of ego where a spiritually developed person uses an evolved Ego to develop further higher consciousness, fueling the commitment toward becoming more loving and connected to fellow humankind and all Creation, furthering a better world.
There were a couple of comments up there posted on the difference between being over-confident (maybe narcissistic) and being truly confident, after having struggled and over-come obstacles, and therefore different from being praised with or without reason.
I wanted to add something: the rare people that i have known to be over-confident- outright conceited- were in fact the very people that lacked almost entirely in self-confidence. I’m not sure if that’s a paradox, to be conceited because you have a flagrant lack of self-esteem, but I think that given the pressures we face to perform, to be beautiful, to be successful, to be this or to be that, finally only to be cool, make it hard for us to be confident in way that’s true or healthy.
I know for myself, when I was a teenager, I wanted very much to be cool. I was part of the “cool kids” in high school and I’m sure on the surface I appeared to be very confident, but in retrospect now, I feel like I lacked a lot of self-esteem.
I’m not convinced, although I haven’t read the book, that we are experiencing a narcissistic epidemic: I feel that young adults and teenagers have a tremendous amount of pressure, from society (media, tv) and from peers (oh to be or not to be cool), parents/teachers (performance) and I feel some of these are conflicting; all of them are ask energy and ultimately, I disagree that parents create self-made kings or queens of self-esteem/narcissism, but rather they help to create excellent con artists and people pleasers with fake/shady self-confidence.
And anyways, if you look at statistics, which I assume this book is based on to come up with such a skillfully marketed title, most adults end up popping happy-pills to get out of depression, possibly because their childhood came to bike them in the a__.
I think true narcissists are rare and no book will make me think otherwise.
Sanita,
I concur. True narcissists are rare. I enjoyed reading your post. I have observed the ‘self-centered’ epidemic we are experiencing, but I actually lived with a brittle NPD man. There is such a huge difference I don’t believe we should use the same name, ‘narcissism’ for both. He had no empathy for anyone, even his own children. He made up lies to defend his beliefs and was able to convince people. His behavior was so damaging to his children and relationships. It is a very sad ‘ailment’. The saddest part is the disorder is 99% impossible to treat.
This new repression of narcissism is akin to cultural imperialism and is our own narcissistic tendency projected onto the other …
Tony,
What about an insight into one’s own Narcissistic tenancies and raising awareness of the danger of such in both self and others? Would that also be imperialism etc?
My insight ~ which others have scribed more eloquently:
“nothing is evil lest thinking make it so.”
If we spent less time fixing others and more time accepting ourselves then
this conversation would be mute and the Dance would resolve its self.
This blog does nothing more than stroke the egos of the readers, painting a two-dimensional black-and-white world where “kids today” are perceived as clueless sheep, while the blog readers are obviously smarter and hip to the way the world works. I expect facile interpretations from conservative blogs, not from an organization that promotes expanding one’s ability to perceive subtle differences and recognize multi-dimensional perspectives.
Cleaning up my previous garbled blog to Laura above:
Hi Laura, re: your “This blog does nothing more than stroke the egos of the readers, ”
A belated response that I would hope there’s more to this blog and blogging than ego-stroking. Those who are interested and open to them can cherry pick out ideas that may prove productive and useful in their own practice and development of personal spiritual development.
I think of absolute expressions like (nothing but), (only), (never) and most negative terms seem to put a roadblock on any further discussion and thinking, IMO.
On the radio show Humankind (access online) they discussed the author’s book “The Third Side, A Way of Getting to Yes”. It’s a primer, so to speak, about conflict and even war prevention and dealing with them, instead of the traditional way of conflict escalating usually to bloodshed, escalating violence and then war. Can humankind possibly develop the higher consciousness that will lead to collective banishment of war? NOw that would be Enlightenment, no?
For many years I was in a relationship with a narcissist. Or I believed I was in a relationship. In reality, his relationship was with himself of course, that being the definition of narcissism. By the way, we are both “boomers”. This man was raised by hyper-critical, tightly wound, no feeling parents who preached strict rules, no explanations, and little to no praise for accomplishment or effort. In fact the opposite was true, any effort that produced beauty or even good grades was either not acknowledged, responded to with exhortations to do better or critiqued as being ostentatious. Quite frankly, I was raised in much the same way as were most of my friends. The narcissist I knew had appallingly low self esteem not high or inflated self esteem, that being another aspect of the definition as well. He had a twisted and damaged ego and has spent his life running from relationship to relationship showing people his report card to illicit some response that would let him know he was simply okay as a human.
A FEW POINTS I HAVEN’T SEEN DEVELOPED HERE:
So far as I can tell so far, posters and responders to this blog have mentioned many important causes of the “me”-ness of the generation now coming up. I agree that most of these are factors that need to be considered, explored, understood, and dealt with. However, I think there’s something more going on here, and perhaps more impactful than the causative factors already mentioned. It’s this: the overall message – or constellation of messages – that permeates the dominant culture in the US now, bombarding our young people and overwhelming the environment in which they’re required to approach adulthood.
The dominant cultural message today seems to be “greed is good,” with underlays of “get yours now.” This message is ubiquitous. It has caused the breakdown of economic systems, yes, and its effects have been far more insidious: everybody now wants as much as they can get. And they try to get power if they operate from a perceived position of powerlessness (don’t all kids?) and/or things if they operate from a position of psychic/spiritual starvation.
Many, if not most, young people (and many no longer so young) come from such positions of deprivation. The young people exhibiting these narcissistic traits, by and large, operate out of such positions. They do this because of the way they were treated as infants, toddlers, pre-schoolers, and so on and because of the social context which informs their thinking, believing, and behavior. Deficits in the family of origin make them vulnerable to messages of power and acquisition within the dominant culture.
Power manifests in a number of ways, some of them benign or even beneficial, but when it’s sought as an end in itself or as a substitute for something more nourishing, the quest usually shows up in unhealthy competition, ruthlessness, aggression, or manipulation (people with clinical narcissism are notoriously good at this). Of course, power that’s sought to correct for felt powerlessness can’t satisfy the core hunger, so there’s never enough. That’s why Machiavelli was able to say, and have it remembered across the centuries, that “power corrupts.”
The quest for things manifests in the constant acquisition of materials with its imperative to hold things in such high regard that violent crimes are committed in its name. Like power, things can contribute to a good life. But when the pursuit is unbridled, excessive, or blind — when the thing is a substitute for real nourishment — things can’t compensate for the core hunger. The pursuit of things in place of core nourishment has created an entire industry –marketing and its offspring advertising (or is it the other way around?) which helps maintain and support this quest as well.
Young people have always been the mechanism that displays the themes of the dominant culture, whether we older folk acknowledge this fact or not. Young people are like canaries in the coal mine, except their way of being can tell us about the good elements as well as the poisonous. (More on that some time, but not in this entry.) The young people of today who are displaying these narcissistic traits are really showing us what we, the most recent generations, have taught them – with their own take on the lesson, of course.
And we can’t blame them, either, for glomming onto the messages of the dominant culture. By creating the holes in their psyches through inadequate parenting and an educational system that rarely succeeds in educating our youth, we’ve made them achingly vulnerable to these very toxic messages in the overall cultural environment.
There’s no blame in any of this, as blame is non-productive. There are, however, many faults in the system/s we’ve developed over generations. It’s up to us, now, and imperatively so, to understand and do what we can to repair the fault. Here’s how I see its origins:
An infant that’s not bonded with its primary caregiver is immediately set up to develop clinical narcissism. A child raised by distant (let alone rejecting, overly-critical, and/or abusive) parents has a very hard time (if not impossible) developing healthy self-esteem. Praise for “just showing up” is a poor substitute for parental/caregiver presence and, like most substitutes, fails to deliver the necessary nourishment. Parental presence is affirming because it conveys the message, as nothing else can, that the child is worthwhile; this message is the foundation on which true self-esteem is built.
Many parents, because of the many stresses in their lives and the lack of adequate role models as well as good-enough parenting for themselves, are not present for their children, even though they may spend time with them. This lack results in
a. Deficits in the worthiness message
b. Doors through which other influences can and do enter the child’s psychic/spiritual environment and affect his development.
The educational system, by and large, is in shatters, although many advances in rebuilding it are being made. Even truly gifted and dedicated teachers, like Daniel (several entries above) have a difficult time penetrating – let alone countering — the environment enveloping kids by the time they reach school age. Most public schools are so overcrowded, mired in beaurocracy, fear and apathy that teaching is diminished and learning haphazard. Schools, thus, cannot be expected – or expect themselves – to remedy what is, in fact, systemic to our society.
To sum up what may seem to some as a rant, the possibility that the appearance of toxic narcissism in our youth is a manifestation of toxicity in our culture is one we should continue to actively and intentionally address, starting with an examination of the messages we live.
Perhaps this is the challenge to the plateau which Leonard mentions that may spur us on to the next level of our evolution.
I wonder the author’s perspective on the Prophet archetype in Strauss & Howe’s The Fourth Turning as it relates to this ‘Me’ generation.
If we pretend/intend to be fully and wholly conscious humans, there are four aspects of consciousness to be attended and developed:
1) The personal, including physical, spiritual and mental health, including monitoring your ego and narcissism
2) The interpersonal, encompassing our family and important relations including non-human sentient creatures
3) The objective: our environment and science
4) The Cosmos
Many Americans seem to have the mindset of spoiled kids, feeling resentment and getting all upset when denied what they’ve come to feel are entitlements. Most have gotten so used to living The Good Life that to do with less with cutbacks of any kind is a big drag, not enjoying the lifestyle to which we’ve come to be accustomed. This expectation is also reflected in the common “Take it easy”, a reluctance to exert effort, taking easy jobs and just getting by, getting paid a much as possible for as little work as possible. As we see, obesity has become endemic to an overfed, overeating population. It’s a metaphor for our malaise, becoming decadent and degenerating into people unfit physically and spiritually. It’s said we’re created in God’s image but the image of Americans seems to be way overweight and with some really questionable spiritual attitudes, IMO.
It’s to be hoped our economic downturn will prove a revitalization of more essential values and concerns.
Hi Laura, re: “This blog does nothing more than stroke the egos of the readers, painting a two-dimensional black-and-white world where “kids today” are perceived as clueless sheep, while the blog readers are obviously smarter and hip to the way the world works.”
I balk at the first part of your statement and would rather say that the blog serves more than ego-stroking. That may be true but the second part of the statement softens the first part.
What I think is the most useful thing about blogs is the wide diversity of opinions expressed and the ones that get your goat are maybe the most useful in getting folks to think and either reinforce their own views rightly or spur a re-evaluation of attitude. That’s something useful, no?